Monte Carlo. The lights, the action, the roar of the crowd, the glazed eyes of the slot machine operators, the nervous tics of the craps players, the paranoid calculations at the blackjack tables. Monte Carlo. Home to countless randomized algorithms, and of course, Princess Stephanie.

Me, I'm avoiding all that. I'm standing in the sports betting lounge, staring at the big boards, watching the odds of everything from football games to presidential elections changing faster than a Grand Prix driver shifts from fourth to fifth. I feel a tap on my shoulder. A small, balding man with a name tag that reads "Jimmy" speaks with a very heavy French accent:

"Excuse me, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you are wearing an MIT AI Lab Olympics T-shirt. Are you, by any chance, a member of that lab?"

Expecting him to offer me some grey poupon, I say "Why, yes. I am."

"Oh, sir. Follow me, please. Follow me."

Like a bad Monty Python skit, I follow him through countless hidden doors until we get to what appears to be a secret betting room. There is one large board here, but instead of displaying NBA odds, there are some familiar names on it.

Jimmy intones, "Only the big spenders get to play in this room. Reputations, kingdoms, and TV networks have swapped hands here. For years we've been placing odds on graduation dates of the students in your lab."

Amazed, I see that Charles Isbell is getting 5:1 for getting out in May. I lean down and whisper to Jimmy "That's undervalued". A phone rings discretly in the corner, and whoever answers it starts a small commotion in the room by offering to give points on Mallery.

"Mallery's been taking fool's action for over 10 years now. Even bettors who took Sobalvarro in '92 made out better than these suckers. You know Ted Turner? He got the Atlanta Braves off of someone who thought Jose was going to graduate a couple of years ago. Personally, I think the smart money is on any of Eric's students. They have been consistenly over-performing the market. On the other hand, if you're selling short, any of Tom Knight's is a good bet. Of course, there are always surprises. Almost everyone got burned by the Alvelda fiasco, and no one has made any money off of Cog yet."

I try to find my name up on the big board, but can't. Jimmy, reading my mind, says "Anything over 500:1 doesn't get up there. Sorry kid."

Join us this week, as we discuss mutual funds, bonds, and the Monte Carlo method at this week's

 G   I   R   L       S   C   O   U   T      B   E   N   E   F   I    T

7th floor playroom, 5:30