For those of you haven't come out of your offices for the past few months, the department is in the midst of a hiring frenzy. Faculty candidates appear for grueling interview-lunch-talk-dinner gauntlets, only to vanish into the mist from which they came a couple of days later. They are all perky, all bushy tailed, all clearly wearing a suit for the first time in their lives. How to choose among them?
The investigative team of GSB wanted to find out exactly what happens during these crucial interviews, and how our esteemed professors distinguish the elite from the illiterate. To that end, we have secretly taped one such interview:
"Please, have a seat. Yes, right there on that stack of unread papers is fine. So, any history of mental illness?"
"Ahhh, no, not that I recall."
"Good, good. I enjoyed your talk, but I think that I dosed off in the middle. You think you can just give me a quick summary?"
"Sure, I was proving that ..."
"Wait, wait, I forgot that I need to ask you a few questions that we ask every candidate. This will be timed. Are you ready?"
"OK."
"If you could be any kind of tree, what kind of tree would you be?"
"An apple tree, because I bear the fruits of knowledge."
"What do you want more: the money or the glory?"
"The glory."
"White or red wine with chicken?"
"Red, no, wait, maybe it's..."
"You have a $20 million dollar grant, and ten graduate students in a speeding bus that can't go under 55 miles an hour or it will blow up. What do you do?"
"Huh?"
"WHAT DO YOU DO?"
"Develop a top to bottom computational model of intelligence?"
"Good, good. One last question: do you like teaching?"
"Yes! I love teaching. I think teaching is very important. I was hoping to teach a graduate algorithms course since I see that it hasn't been taught here in the last three years, and I think that's a real travesty, and I love teaching - really love it and want to devote a lot of time to it."
"Thank you very much, don't call us - we'll call you. No, don't worry about the rest of the interviews."
G I R L S C O U T B E N E F I T
7th floor playroom April 25, 1997 5:30 pm