Once again, it's time for my patented "Movie Reviews of movies I'm not going to see."

"Barney - the movie" - Jean-Claude van Damme stars as Barney, a beloved purple dinosaur plagued by drug and alcohol problems. The movie's tragic climax, as Barney mistakenly takes the singing children for a group of marauding environmental pirates, is not to be missed.

"Lost in Space" - Spunky Chandler, studly Joey, brainy Ross, motherly Monica, and ditzy Rachel all look for Phoebe, who truly is lost in space, all during a very special two hour episode of "Friends".

"Grease" - in a move that foreshadows his post-presidential career, Bill Clinton plays Danny Zuko in this 20th anniversary reissue. Hillary Clinton bravely tackles Olivia Newton-John's immortal Sandy Olsen. With special guests Janet Reno as Rizzo and Monica Lewinsky as Frenchie.

"The Man In The Iron Mask" - I heard it sinks at the end.

"Wild Things" - Neve Campbell and the rest of the "Party of Five" crew engage in some heavy petting and even heavier whining. Matt Dillon plays Matt Damon.

Special LSC pick:

"Mr. Bean" - I'd rather be subjected to a full marathon of "Are You Being Served?" than watch one minute of that sniveling bastard crawl around the screen.

Special video pick:

"Chain Reaction" - Keanu Reeves breaks free of his Shakespearean shackles and outraces explosions. Lots of stuff about fusion, fission, fisheries, Bobby Fisher, and Fisher's Linear Discriminant.

SAG cards to be distributed at this week's

  G   I   R   L     S   C   O   U   T     B   E   N   E   F   I   T

7th floor playroom April 3rd, 1998 5:30pm