SATAN ANNOUNCES SUMMER OUTSOURCING, HINTS AT LAYOFFS

Cambridge, MA (AP) -- 

     O'er all the sand-waste, with a gradual fall,
         Were raining down dilated flakes of fire,
         As of the snow on Alp without a wind.
     ...
     Thus was descending the eternal heat,
         Whereby the sand was set on fire, like tinder
         Beneath the steel, for doubling of the dole.

                 --- Dante Alighieri, 1265-1321


In a move analysts and weathermen have been predicting for weeks,
Lucifer "Satan" Morningstar, founder and CEO of Hell, announced plans
today to outsource all fire- and blowing-sand-related operations to
Cambridge, MA for the summer months.  "Effective immmediately, we will
place operations involving torturous heat, miserable humidity, and
grimy eyes under the direction of the numerous construction companies
digging up Cambridge," said Mr. Morningstar.  

City officials were initially concerned about the proposed move,
noting that dead souls would be running in circles, lying in the
streets and lamenting their sins at all hours of the night; as has
become customary in Cambridge, however, the economic and personal
advantages of a formal partnership with Hell eventually outweighed any
livability concerns.

"I'm going to burn for this," chortled one City Council member,
stroking the inner thigh of one of his harem-women, "but really, I'll
probably just end up right back in Cambridge.  So what've I got to
lose?"  Mr. Morningstar declined to comment on that topic, although he
was later heard to snicker something about future plans to extend
outsourcing to include Dallas, Texas.

Regarding current Hell employees, Mr. Morningstar said in his initial
statement that "[employees] involved with fire and sand will be given
unpaid vacation for the summer months."  Although many of the affected
demons had hoped for summer internships at Akamai, a web company based
in Cambridge, their hopes were dashed when Akamai cancelled all summer
internships.

Mr. Morningstar emphasized that Hell is not engaging in layoffs,
saying "At the moment we're 'timesizing', not 'downsizing.'"  Under
questioning, however, Mr. Morningstar refused to rule out layoffs in
the future.  "I may be the father of lies, but in this economic
environment even I couldn't rule out layoffs with a straight face."
Shares of Microsoft (MSFT) Corporation soared on speculation that a
host of unemployed demons from Hell would soon expand the ranks of
their programmers.

Mr. Morningstar's initial announcement delighted officials at the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology, a university in Cambridge.
"Our students have always said 'Tech is Hell', but they ain't seen
nothing yet!" crowed one dean, rubbing his hands together.  "We're
working on a deal to cease air conditioning our buildings and fill
them with more dead souls in need of torture; this will both directly
cut operating costs, and provide additional funding straight from
Hell."  

Mr. Morningstar, in an after-hours tour of building NE43, in which air
conditioning is already turned off at night, commented "This place
will work great. It's already hotter than Hell morning and night!  Add
in daytime and I'll take it immediately."

Mr. Morningstar went on to say "Of course, any damned souls condemned
to this building will be absolutely forbidden to attend any fun stuff
like the...

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