Return-Path: <cgdemarc@ai.mit.edu>
From: cgdemarc@ai.mit.edu (Carl de Marcken)
Date: Thu, 10 Feb 94 17:52:24 EST
To: all-ai
Subject: GSB, 5:30 Friday February 11th, 1994, 7AI.



Is your manuscript 213 words too long with the deadline in 10 minutes?  Do
the last two citations run over the 10-page limit?  Are your lines already
running off the page?  Is the move from 5-point to 4-point looking
inevitable?

			*** NO MORE ***

Now, No-Knuthing Technologies presents SquishTeX, the first typesetting
program with a compression coefficient, $\alpha$, that allows you to
continuously vary the length of your document from original size to zero
without ever violating journal submission guidelines.  If $\alpha = 1$,
SquishTeX performs in the same uncompromising, idyllic fashion as the
original TeX.

As $\alpha$ is decreased towards 0, SquishTeX uses a variety of proprietary
devices to cleverly condense your text.

	* Substitution of almost-equivalent citations, but with shorter
	  names and fewer authors.  Elimination of citations of authors
	  unlikely to be on review boards.

	* Elision of unnecessarily pompous literary devices: adjectives,
	  adverbs and prepositions, for instance.

	* Automatic use of thesaurus to find short equivalents of long
	  words:
			relativistic -> fast
			superlative -> rad
			1.56 * 10^37 -> a lot

	* Elimination of vowels and consonants that seem "obvious enough".

	* Wide-scale deletion of mindless drivel.

	* Use of the "you can guess the rest" syntactic construct.

Turn a 200 page thesis into an 8 page conference paper ($\alpha = .04$)!
No document is too complex.  New users will marvel at the sophisticated
foreign air about their papers!

Come, test SquishTeX at this week's

                 G I R L   S C O U T   B E N E F I T

to be held at 5:30 p.m. on Friday, February 11th, 1994, in the seventh floor
playroom, where we will drink a toast to Donald Knuth.