The GSB Guide to Internet Dating - Part I: Placing Your Ad

["Michael McGeachie" <mmcgeach@>]

Continuing our series of social advice columns (some of you may remember
GSB's Sarcastic Socialization Tips, from our 11/24/03 newsletter), GSB
presents the first part of our forthcoming Guide to Internet Dating.  Why,
might you ask, would someone be interested in meeting people over the
internet and then dating them?  Perhaps office politics prevent you from
dating the hottie in the adjoining open plan space; perhaps you're the type
that likes to make out in Harvard Sq on the first date, then retreat to the
anonymity of the noosphere, never seeing that person again!  Chances are,
internet dating is worth a try!  And without further ado,


The GSB Guide to Internet Dating - Part I: Placing Your Ad


Choosing a Dating Service:

All internet dating websites basically serve up the same tragically average
slice of Americana.  Maybe you want that slice a la mode, and maybe you want
it nuked in the microwave of love, but in the end it all goes into your
stomach so it doesn't matter too much which one you choose.

Designing a Profile:

First of all, for the love of Rod, don't mention "MIT" anywhere in your ad.
This is tantamount to saying "I have low standards" and "Minor social graces
profoundly impress me."  It's best not to mention your work/school
affiliation at all, but if you have to, try lying.  Start with a small
misrepresentation, like saying "I'm from a prestigious Boston-area
university," and everyone will assume you mean Harvard.

When you get comfortable with this type of lie, you can move up to bigger
lies about your job as a financial consultant and how you spend your free
time managing your investment portfolio.  These lies are easy to get away
with, because the topics are boring enough that no one will press you too
vigorously for details.

Make sure you mention Portishead somewhere.  That always works.

And throw in some philosophical phrases, like "begs the question,"
"antimonies," "Machiavellian," and "Platonic ideals," wherever you can.
Since nobody really knows what these mean, it doesn't matter how you use
them, but we all know you must be smart if you say them at all.

Photographs:

You'll need a photo of yourself, if not to demonstrate your Grecian profile
and Olympian physique, just to assure people you're not a beer-swilling bear
(cf. http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/West/08/18/bear.beer.reut/index.html).  If
you're an attractive woman trying to date men, you'll probably get a few
hundred responses a day.  In this situation, we recommend filing under
"Women seeking Women" to stem the inevitable deluge of responses and give
yourself time to search through ads finding the ones that appeal to you.  If
you're at the other end of the beauty-brains tradeoff, try using some
digital editing software to provide a generous shadow, tweak the image
contrast, or twist the image to a more rakish angle.  Done right, it'll give
people the idea you have artistic talent and do this sort of thing regularly
to imitate your favorite French Impressionists.


With these techniques under your belt, you should be well on your way!
Until the next installment featuring Correspondences and First Dates, get
one-on-one advice from the experts at this week's...


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