Primary GSB

["Harold Fox" <hfox@>]

As the end of the year approaches, it's time to deck your halls...with
political slogans! By the time the school year resumes, the Iowa caucuses
will have taken place on January 3rd, kicking off the 2008 presidential
campaign. For the first time since 1968, the field is wide open in both
parties and there's a real choice on lots of important issues. GSB has
prepared this inside guide to the candidates, so you can impress your
relatives with your political savvy this holiday season.

The Republican Party is in turmoil. George Bush's polarizing social
conservatism and lavish spending have alienated traditional conservatives
and turned off moderate swing voters. Who will it choose to regain its past
dominance of the presidency?

Rudy Giuliani
+: Tough-talking, no-nonsense ex-mayor of New York. Dramatically improved
the city's quality of life. Showed strong leadership in response to
September 11
-: Plans to nuke the Middle East. Will shut down nation's brothels and
crackhouses, leaving you nothing to do on Saturday nights
Futures Price: 37.9
Facebook supporters: 12,766

Mitt Romney
+: Smooth, successful, pragmatic businessman and devoted family man. Turned
around Salt Lake City winter games. Won popularity in politically hostile
Massachusetts and introduced first large-scale universal health care system
-: Has 20 wives. Will rename the Hoover Dam to the Hoover Dang
Futures price: 24.4
Facebook supporters: 22,902

Mike Huckabee
+: Affable, plain-spoken, bass-playing Southern Baptist pastor and former
governor of Arkansas. Impeccable social conservative credentials.
-: Thinks Earth is flat and 4000 years old. Will cure nation's homosexuals
with coordinated group prayer. 4 more years of apologizing to foreigners
when you travel overseas.
Futures price: 19.4
Facebook supporters: 16,459

The Democrats are sitting pretty. Every Iraq casualty and collapsed ice
shelf helps their cause. Can they keep their momentum and nominate a
candidate that will resonate with ordinary Americans?

Hillary Clinton
+: Smart, hard-working ex-first lady and senator from New York. Well
connected to the best policy minds in the country.
-: Is the anti-christ. Election will hasten the apocalypse. Will give all of
nation's guns to United Nations. Will turn all churches into gay disco
abortion clinics with free medical marijuana.
Futures price: 58.9
Facebook supporters: 56,562

Barack Obama
+: Young, handsome, optimistic senator from Illinois. Offers a change from
nasty partisan divisions. The cool candidate.
-: Is a terrorist. Grew up in an al-Qaeda training camp in Indonesia. Will
make Osama bin Laden vice-president.
Futures price: 33.7
Facebook supporters: 173,247

John Edwards
+: Classical liberal democrat senator from North Carolina. Will fight for
social justice for the poor and the marginalized.
-: Will abolish private property and send city dwellers to work in the
fields for reeducation.
Futures price: 6.6
Facebook supporters: 25,961

The choice is clear. If you don't want to look like a total wacko, you have
to vote for the candidate with more Facebook supporters than all of the
others combined. You'll win tons of friends and maybe even get a date. Come
caucus at this week's...

           +-                                                  -+
             girl scout benefit -+-  5:30 pm  -+- 32-G9 lounge
           +-                                                  -+

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