The lab was saddened to hear that Patrick Winston is stepping down from his director's job. The burden of finding a replacement should fall not only on a committee's shoulders, but on all of us. I will do my share and suggest some candidates.

Lee Iaccoca - ok, so maybe the AI lab isn't in as bad a shape as Chrysler was in, but maybe we can all get a Neon (Hi!).

Nicholas Negroponte - 5 words: hors d'oeuvres before lobster GSL.

Donald Trump - we all move to a basement in New Jersey, and tech square gets converted to condominiums and renamed "Trump Shacks." Free tickets to any Don King event.

Tipper Gore - some research to be labeled with parental warnings: "contains explicit equations."

Oliver North - no more funding problems. He will remove the "bad elements" from this lab and turn it into a glorious bastion of American productivity.

Evander Hollyfield - after beating Tyson, nobody is going to mess with us.

Martha Stewart - don't throw away that thesis! I'm retiling my pool with old theses.

Russell Johnson - the Professor from Gilligan's Island. He's due for a comeback.

We'll discuss the candidates in a mock town meeting at

  G   I   R   L      S   C   O   U   T      B   E   N   E   F   I   T

7th floor playroom 5:30 pm, November 15th