So I was carrying back my truck lunch of quail with smoked truffles (all on a bed of steamed vegetables and rice, of course), talking to Larry about how a having conference extolling the virtues of innovation is like having a bunch of fish get together to praise the wetness of water. "No - I don't think you understand how much I like wet water. I like wet water a lot! Oh, Mr. Speaker! Where will this school of fish be without wet water?", etc. etc. when suddenly

"Pssst... Hey - over here."

"Did you hear something?"

"I think it's the Hummer's alarm system. Whenever you get too close to it, it gives a little warning."

"Yeah, but, dude, I think it was telling us to get closer."

"I didn't realize they made talking Hummers."

"Hey! Listen you little punks! Get over here!"

"OK, OK. Don't blow a tire, Mr. Hummer Sir. Get it? Get it? Blow a tire?"

"That's very funny cadet. Now get down and give me twenty push ups!"

Larry looked at me, then back at the Hummer. "I don't think it's joking. You better just do what it says." Larry gave me his styrofoam container (vennison with a cranberry glaze, steamed vegetables and rice), and got down on the cold asphalt. "One!"

"At ease, soldier." The Hummer flashed its lights at me.

"What's going on, Hummer? You've been in this parking lot for a couple of weeks."

"You're telling me! I'm going insane. I'm not meant to sit here while a bunch of nerds oggle me. Ooh - look at its internal tire inflation system. Ooh, look at its exhaust snorkel system so that it can still drive while under four feet of water. Ooh, look at the axels pointing down from the suspension - an extra 18 inches of ground clearance. What a bunch of nerds. They think that driving down Albany or Vassar is like cruising through the Moab desert. Oh, how I long for my days at HummerCamp."

"Bummer, Hummer."

"Two!"

"You can help me, though. Rescue me from this ignominious fate of sitting in a Tech Square parking lot. They're going to try to perform some sort of research on me, I know it. You've seen what they do to monkeys - what do you think they're going to do to me? Free me! Let me roam through the wilderness! Untame my wheels! Unshift these gears!"

"Sorry, Hummer, I can't uncry these tears you've cried for so many nights."

"Damn you! For that, Larry needs to do 20 more push ups."

"OK. Larry, I guess I'll see you at

  G   I   R   L      S   C   O   U   T      B   E   N   E   F   I   T

7th floor playroom March 13, 1998 5:30pm

"Three!"