Today's etiquette lesson will take the form of a line by line analysis of the following combined rejection-letter and request-for-a-date, received recently by an MIT Sophomore who was shocked at its shoddy construction. As we shall see, this letter begins with terribly poor etiquette, gains significant ground by its final sentence, but then loses it all on the choice of closing.
------------------------------------------------------------ From: Simon Subject: Internship Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2000 13:52:59 -0400
Hi,
I am sorry to tell you that my manager did not think that you have enough practical experience yet to work here and that he is only considering juniors. I did look at your web site though and shows much potential. Would
you please call us next year for an opportunity with our company? On another level, I saw a photo of you on your web site and I am wondering whether you would consider going out for dinner with me some time?
Honorably,
Simon Senior Technical Recruiter
------------------------------------------------------------
We shall begin with the salutation "Hi". As I'm sure you are all aware, this middle-ground of formality is actually the salutation of the limp-wristed and passionless. A robust "Howdy", a formal "Dear", or the colloquial "Yo, bitch!" would all have implied a greater strength of character and dynamism on the part of the author; indeed, the author would have seized control of the email from the very start. Instead, this "Hi" yields all authority before the message is even begun. In the context of a combined rejection-letter and request-for-date such as this one, my recommendation would be the colloquialism.
Now let us examine the first sentence, which begins "I am sorry to tell you that my manager did not think that you have enough practical experience yet to work here..." There are two shocking breaches of modern etiquette here: first, the apology; in the Internet age, apologies are for the weak. The disavowal of responsibility, on the other hand, is de rigeur.
Second, and more importantly, the rejection is a major breach; in the Internet age, successful dotcoms simply do not say "no" to breathing human beings. We can only infer from this rejection either that the author's manager is drug-addled, or the company itself is in a state of such financial ruin that it can no longer afford to hire anyone and everyone who passes the Turing test. The latter impression is reinforced by the sentence's conclusion: "...and that he is only considering juniors" -- a dotcom with hiring standards is a dotcom in deep doodoo.
With the next sentence, the author moves into smoother waters. "I did look at your web site though and shows much potential" is a fine transition from the rejection portion of the letter to the asking-for-a-date part of the letter; of particular noteworthiness is the elision of "it" between "and" and "shows", which marks the author as a powerful man of few words. Although the success of this construct partially offsets the poor impression of the opening "hi", the author is still deep into negative etiquette points.
The followup sentence initially appears to be incongruous, hearkening back to the rejection aspect: "Would you please call us next year for an opportunity with our company?" Upon closer examination, however, we can see that it is actually a clever intertwining of these two themes, foreshadowing greater success in next year's application possibly even *as a result of* the dating process initiated in the final sentence, to wit: "On another level, I saw a photo of you on your web site and I am wondering whether you would consider going out for dinner with me some time?"
Obviously, at this point in the letter, the author has made giant strides forward. He has successfully disavowed responsibility for the initial rejection; he has offered the chance of future success; and through skillful allusion has has implicitly tied the offer of success to his offer of a date. Although the notion that he has time for a date suggests that he may not actually be a true, modern Alpha male, a strong closing might still have helped this letter limp into the category of a minor triumph; unfortunately, the closing instead moves it straight to the rubbish bin.
Indeed, when the 35-year-old senior technical recruiter is both suggesting future employment and offering a date in the very same paragraph to an 18-year-old sophomore he has never met, we cannot approve of the use of the closing "Honorably, Simon." Instead, we might recommend "Lustfully, Simon" "Hungrily, Simon" "In Loneliness, Simon" "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun to Boink With, Simon" or perhaps even just "Your Future F*ckbunny, Simon".
***
This concludes the presentation of today's etiquette lesson. Class discussion will take place at tonight's...
****************** G I R L S C O U T B E N E F I T ****************** ****************** 5:30pm 7AI Playroom ******************