Return-Path: <cgdemarc@ai.mit.edu>
From: cgdemarc@ai.mit.edu (Carl de Marcken)
Date: Fri, 28 Jan 94 01:37:02 EST
To: all-ai
Subject: GSB, Friday Jan 28 5:30, 7AI.


A concerned lab member brought it to my attention that the MIT AI
Laboratory (exporter of innovation to the world) is no longer at the
forefront of the beverage-consumption field.  Witness:

	TOKYO (AP) -- Here in the chic pubs of the Aoyama district,
	the latest fad inspired by beer makers struggling through a
	sluggish economy is the flammable suds of the new Hydrogen Beer.

	Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air.  Because
	hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are
	transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled
	with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically
	high voice.

	Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing
	soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming
	a big gulp of Suiso beer.

	The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling
	point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a
	deliberate marketing ploy.  It has inspired a new fashion of
	blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition
	source.  Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue
	flames in slow motion, while flame contests took place in pubs
	everywhere in Tokyo on New Year's eve.

	Each bottle of Suiso beer sells for approximately 1,200 yen, or
	eleven US dollars.  The bottles are packed in special crates
	lined with concrete to prevent chain explosions in the event
	of a fire.

Questionable physics aside, this technological leap could not go
unchallenged.  So I called xF-IXIT, to ask Physical Plant whether the lab
would be violating any local ordnance ordinances if we diffused moderate
quantities of H2 or N2O gas into our IBC Root Beer, just for kicks.  They
suggested that such experiments would probably require legal waivers
all-around, and to contact the Institute Committee on the Use of Humans as
Experimental Subjects.

Bureaucracy being a bit of a pain in the neck, I decided to make GSB more
fun in a manner those silly panty-waists hadn't thought to legislate away:
Many of the bottles at this week's GSB will have had their contents
replaced with a small amount of platinum black (a wonderful catalyst that
will also bring the bottles to their original weight) and either pure
pressurized hydrogen gas or pure pressurized oxygen gas.  We can hardly be
violating any drinking laws; just opening the bottles will be enough!  If
you're lucky enough to get one that contains beer, enjoy the spectacle
around you.  Those who select a hydrogen bottle and are foolish enough to
generate a spark will experience a small explosion and may end up with some
water on their lap.  On the other hand, those daredevils who open a bottle
containing oxygen and platinum powder will have to be very, very careful.
The slightest mis-step and they will have a relativistic beer bottle on
their hands.

So, come on down and bring the kids.  Join us at this week's

                 G I R L   S C O U T   B E N E F I T

to be held at 5:30 p.m. on Friday, January 28th, 1994, in the seventh floor
playroom.  Medical personnel are standing by.