Memo to Orientation Committee

[Christine Alvarado <calvarad@>]

MEMO TO ORIENTATION COMMITTEE:

As per your request, I have put into order the following measures to
ensure the continued confusion of incoming graduate students.  
[On a related note, the meeting today went well.  They appear to have
no idea of the level of the deception.]

1. Planted asbestos in 7th floor ceiling.  Ensured its discovery with
   plans for future "vision lab."

2. Created smoke screen advisor position, a.k.a. the "academic
   advisor," to throw them off the trail of locating their real
   advisor.

3. Uprooted vision group, moved to undisclosed location.  Populated
   7th floor with students from other departments to induce "am I in
   the wrong building?" effect.

4. Ensured that promised RA funding does not come through until after
   several threatening letters have been sent to student, and threats
   have been made to kick student out of program.

5. Changed graduation requirements to ensure that no one present in
   the building can help incoming students understand said
   requirements.  (Note: This is a backup precaution.  We are pretty
   sure no one understood the requirements in the first place.)

6. Fabricated fictitious deadlines for "requirements" such as
   "pre-registration" and "research statements".  Threatened large
   fine if fictional deadlines are not met.

7. Erased the simple, computerized registration method that we have
   had since the 60s and replaced with multi-colored sheets of paper
   that must be carried from building to building.

8. Scheduled threatening letters demanding Ph.D. thesis proposal
   submission to be mailed to students beginning one month after
   student begins Ph.D. program, and continuing monthly until two
   months after proposal is received.  Each letter will be more
   menacing than that last, and all letters will make liberal use of
   words such as "concerned," "disappointed," and "totally let
   down".

9. Destroyed all written records containing information of students
   advisors and offices.  Do not disclose this information under any
   circumstances.

10. Paid Girls Scouts for their services.  (Note, this will be listed
    in our accounts as the "Girl Scout Benefit").


Be on the lookout for those claiming to be new students, trying
to uncover information at tonight's

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        girl scout benefit -+-  5:30 pm  -+- 7ai playroom
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