Halloween GSB

["Harold Fox" <hfox@>]

This week's GSB is devoted to ghosts. Contrary to the statements of some
denialists, ghosts are real. In celebration of Halloween, GSB interviewed
anthropology graduate student Ben O. Osborne, who has attracted wide
attention for his book, Haunting from 9 to 5: Uncovering the Cultural Memes
of the Ghost Community.

GSB: Thank you for joining us, Ben. I really enjoyed your book. How were you
able to make such close connections with the ghosts you profile?
Ben: Well, I did the usual things. I grew my fingernails long, bought some
vintage clothing, and spent a lot of nights in graveyards. I wasn't making
much progress, but then I taught some of them to play Mafia, and they just
loved it. They love trying to figure out who killed each other. Though it's
a nightmare to get them to shut up once they've been killed.

GSB: One hears a lot about people not wanting to buy condos in buildings
that are former mental asylums or Indian burial grounds, because they may
have ghosts. Is that a reasonable fear?
Ben: No, that's just superstition. Ghosts are born when someone dies
unjustly, and the body is inappropriately disposed of. Certainly, mental
patients might have traumatic lives, but I find they get a proper cremation,
same as anyone. Speaking of condos, though, I did find a ghost living in the
Kennedy Biscuit Lofts. He was a machinist who got caught in the grinder, and
the factory owner covered up the death by mixing him in the fruit filling.

GSB: Yikes. Watch out who's in those tootsie rolls, kids! You write that
ghosts get a bad rap, and you stress the good that can come from
understanding and interacting with them.
Ben: Ghosts are an invaluable connection to the past. I attended a Salem
Halloween party with an actual Salem witch from 1692. "Most of us weren't
lesbians," she told me. "We just wanted to hex the mean, popular girls at
school. This stuff with the naked drum circles and henna tattoos is totally
bogus." Where else will you find such a wealth of historical detail?

GSB: But what about ghosts that kill people?
Ben <sighing>: Well, just like people, there are good ghosts and bad ghosts.
99% of the ghosts you meet are completely benign, but it's the bad 1% that
make the headlines. To avoid getting killed, don't walk under suspended
grand pianos or make love next to rusty machine tools in abandoned
buildings. Just common sense, really.

GSB: What are some of the surprising things you found ghosts do?
Ben: They really like to drink, but they're complete lightweights. Stumbling
home at 3am is when they bump into the furniture and knock over the picture
frames. I know it scares people, but it's just ghosts being irresponsible.

GSB: If I want to meet a ghost, where do I go?
Ben: Just look in old newspapers for disappeared people. Find some
knickknacks from that time period, and they'll probably come around. I was
just in Lowell looking for a mill girl that went missing back in 1830. I
bought an antique music box playing "London Bridge" on eBay. Then I stayed
the night over there in the oldest Bed & Breakfast I could find. I
surrounded myself with candles, opened the window, and played the music box
over and over. After 15 minutes, I felt a sharp chill down my spine, a gust
of wind came in, blew out all the candles, and there she was: sallow face,
damp, limp hair, yellow teeth, eyes blue and crazy as they get when they
drown. She got really chatty once she found out who I was.

GSB: Thank you for talking to us, Ben. That was very interesting.
Ben: My pleasure.

[Editor's Note: A week after this interview was conducted, Ben O. Osborne's
body was found in a utility closet near his Ashdown dorm room, face white,
his gaping mouth ringed with frost, icicles in his hair, and his hands
clutched around his throat. Ashdown residents have been advised, if they see
a ghost, to exit the building and call Campus Police immediately. Residents
are particularly advised not to use the basement laundry rooms late at
night.]

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